Tuesday, December 16, 2008

ELFIS Story part 1 - The Early Years

ELFIS ~ Short for "ELongFongISong".
The name given to Santa Tech dropout "Stewart E Pedd II" by his Elf Guru, "ElfiOnaHondaBeyondaPonda".

ELFIS was born Stewart E Pedd II (Stu), named after his dad, a renowned North Pole wood worker turned plastics entrepreneur.

Christmas time was always an exceptionally good time financially for the Stu Pedd household. Almost every household worldwide has bee the recipient of many Stu Pedd plastic toys.

A shy, nerdy and accident prone boy, Stu's early life at the North Pole never measured up to the standards that his affluent, prominent parents expected of him in school or other extracurricular activities, his favorite being music. Only the girl next door saw and encouraged him to embrace the greatness inside of him.

Stu's childhood at the north pole was fairly normal. School, family, friends, sports, music, animals and lots of snow and sleigh rides.

Introduction to ELFIS including song Getting Hypothermic with You

Song Only - Getting Hypothermic with You

LYRICS - Getting Hypothermic With You
Lyrics Steven Stay and Leroy Anderson, music Leroy Anderson

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling Yoo Hoo
Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

Giddy yap giddy yap giddy yap Oh No! It's getting so cold
What happened to that wonderland of snow?
Giddy yap giddy yap giddy yap Oh Geeze! We're starting to freeze
If we shiver much more then I'm sure that the chattering will break out teeth

Our cheeks are blue not rosy we're far from comfy cozy
We'd snuggle up together but our pants are stuck to the seat
Can't see the road before, let alone sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather for getting hypothermic with you

There's a birthday party at the home of farmer Ray
If we'd went there then our skin would not be turning grey
We'd be singing the songs we love to sing, now we can't even talk
If we hit a bump, I know our bones will pop. pop! pop! pop!

Now we've got no feeling in any of our extremities
Can't close our eyes, our nostrils are froze, what if we had to sneeze
It's not anything like that picture print by Currier and Ives
These disastrous things are the things we remember all through our lives

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling too
Yea Right, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling You Fools!
Come on, it's lovely weather for getting hypothermic with you
Yea Right, it's lovely weather for getting hypothermic with you
Come on, it's lovely weather for getting hypothermic with you

CLICK HERE for Part 2
"After North Pole High"

Monday, December 15, 2008

ELFIS Story part 2 - After North Pole High

In spite of Stu’s struggles as a student he graduated from North Pole High School and unsuccessfully attempted several line of employment. He found himself spending more and more time with the girl next door and besides discovering his love for her he discovered a love for philosophy. They spent countless hours discussing their favorite philosophy, that of “IT”. With her encouragement he eventually enrolled at Tundra University, majoring in Philosophy with a minor in Communications.

He eventually accepted a job as a talk show host on a local radio station and as his popularity increased, it appeared he had finally found his career. For the first time in his life, his parents were proud of him and his girlfriend was excited that they could consider getting married and start a family.

Late on night, life took a dramatic turn for Stu as he was viewing late night TV. Amongst the commercials for Big Rig Truck Drivers and Hot Dog Vendors appeared an infomercial for Santa Technical College. Upon successful completion of the course, it promised guaranteed placement at $25,000 a year for only one month of work. For the first time in his life he was clear about what he needed to do but any mention of it was met with great resistance from those closest to him.

Still, he found himself obsessively drawn to the idea and finally found the strength to follow his heart and go against family and girlfriend. Leaving his old world behind, Stu enrolls at Santa Technical College and starts the process of becoming an official Santa Clause.

In Santa 101, the first thing that happens is the new enrollees are issued their very special cold weather underclothes.

Winter Underwear

LYRICS - Winter Underwear
Lyrics by Stan Boreson & Doug Setterberg, music by Felix Bernard

Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening,
But I'm turning and twisting.
'Cause I'm itching up here,
And I'm scratching down there,
I'm walking in my winter underwear.

Now, the front is all battered,
And the back is is all tattered,
But, when I'm cold to the core,
I walk through the "trap door",
And up into my winter underwear.

Through rain and snow and ice I do not worry.
The winter come, I yust don't give a hoot.
My coat and hat and earmuffs keep my cozy
And I wear two pair of trousers with my suit.

But when it comes to all that clothing,
Vell, the thing that I am loathing,
Is when my face turn blue,
The contortions I go through,
Walking in my winter underwear.

They're from Sears-Rooobuuuck....
Walking in my winter underwear

CLICK HERE for Part 3
"Reindeer Games"

Sunday, December 14, 2008

ELFIS Story part 3 – Reindeer Games

Santa 101 also introduces the techies to the Reindeer and how to properly care for and manage them. They actually keep a spare set on hand so the total official herd consist of 17. Two sets of 8 plus the special one.

It was during this time that the new techies learned the truth about that special Reindeer named Rudolph.

Rudolph the Brown Nosed Reindeer

Lyrics by Rudy and The Reindeer, music by Johnny Marks (Stavro Arrgolus)

Rudolph the brown nosed reindeer
This is how the story goes
Was always nice to Santa
and to Santa's special doe's

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
But that didn't stop old Rudolph
From playing all his brown nosed games

Then one smoggy Christmas Eve
Rudolph came to say
"Santa, if I wash your sleigh
Can I stay inside all day?"

Now all the other reindeer
Are jealous of old Rudolph's ways
Just as the smart deer told them,
Bein' nice to Santa pays!

CLICK HERE for Part 4
"Reindeer History Fact"

Saturday, December 13, 2008

ELFIS Story part 4 – Reindeer History Fact

In the early days, the North Pole city fathers received many complaints about one particular byproduct of flying reindeer. They eventually handled the situation by establishing No Fly Zones over the city.

Reindeer Pies

LYRICS: Reindeer Pies
Lyrics Steven Stay and Jesse Goldberg, music Jesse Goldberg

The reindeer were flying up in the clouds
The most wondrous site you could see
and as I looked up I had only one thought
Please don't dump it on me

Reindeer pies falling down and they splat on the ground
From Santa's thoughtless reindeer  flying high
Climb under something when you hear those sleigh bells ring
From their giant toilet in the sky

Vanilla ice cream is what I had bought
a very nice Haggen-dazs scoop
Then down came a turd from that uncaring herd
Now I am eating their poop

Reindeer pies falling down and they splat on the ground
From Santa's thoughtless reindeer flying high
It flows through the air then it lands in my hair
From their giant toilet in the sky

They soar with the breeze and they crap where they may
But their favorite place is on my newly washed sleigh

Reindeer pie falling down and the splat on the ground
from Santa's thoughtless reindeer flying high
They're aiming at you when they take number two
From their giant toilet in the sky
From their giant toilet in the sky

"The Last Word on Reindeer"

Friday, December 12, 2008

ELFIS Story part 5 – The Last Word on Reindeer

At the North Pole, reindeer area protected species that we are taught to hold in high esteem so you can understand how devastated Stu was to find this scene coming through one of your canyons.

I Came Upon a Roadkill Deer

Lyrics by Bob Rivers, music by Richard Storrs Willis

I came upon a roadkill deer
A sorrowful sight to behold
He lay upon the highway's edge
His body was stiff and cold

I bet he never saw the car
Careening through the snow
The lights shone brightly in his eyes
And then they laid him low

I came upon a roadkill deer
And lifted him off the road
We'll all enjoy a Christmas feast
Of Bambi sloppy joes

Be careful of those gravel bits
They really get stuck in your teeth
We'll place the antlers from his head
Upon our holiday wreath

I came upon a roadkill deer
A sorrowful sight to behold
He gave his all to bring good cheer
As bumper mistletoe

"Mall Santa's"

Thursday, December 11, 2008

ELFIS Story part 6 – Mall Santa’s

Stu learn firsthand during his second semester why there are so many different sizes, shapes, demeanor and quality of Santa’s at the malls. Santa Tech deploys every Santa in Training, to fulfill the demand of the season, regardless of their readiness.

Here's a song about Stu's first mall experience:

You Can Con the Rest

You Can Con the rest
Lyrics Steven Stay, music unknown

Jolly old Saint Nicolas lean your ear this way
I wont tell a single soul what I saw that day
Christmas eve is coming soon now you sly old man
This is what you'll bring to me, don't tell me that you can't

'cause when the clock was striking twelve and you tought I was asleep
Down the chimney broad and black with your pack you creeped
The guns the cash the credit cards the jewlrey that you stole
It five to ten for breakin' in but only if I told

I guess Johnny's got my pair of skates, Suzy has my sled
I've a photo for Nellie's picture book and my your hands are red
That story 'bout hard working elves is convincing I must confess
As long as I get want I want, you can con the rest

Jolly old Saint Nicolas lean your ear this way
I wont tell a single soul what I saw that day
Christmas eve is coming soon now you sly old man
This is what you'll bring to me, now don't tell me that you can't

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

ELFIS Story part 7 – Sleigh Drivers Ed

One of the most exciting but scariest parts of Santa tech for Stu was Sleigh Drivers Ed. All the frightening stories and gory movies about speeding, accidents and drinking and driving really freaked him out.

Here is a song about a story circulating about a Santa.

Santa Got a DWI

LYRICS - Santa Got a DWI
by Sherwin Linton

Santa won't be back next Christmas Eve
It sounds strange I know, it's hard to believe
But the State Patrol's watchin' everybody these days
He was weavin' in the sky in his reindeer's sleigh

So they radioed to every cop in the state
That it was only a matter of minutes to wait
When he landed on a housetop, there they were
Tellin' Santa to exhale in a breath-a-lizer

But Santa refused to take the breath-a-lizer test
"In that case buddy..., you're under arrest...!"
They frisked him where he landed on that little housetop
Found a miniature bottle of Peppermint Schnapps

Santa got a DWI
For weaving around in the sky
Believe me, I wouldn't lie
Oh..., Santa got a DWI

They took Santa down to the County Jail
Gave him one phone call to raise ten-thousand bail
By some strange note - Santa called me
Said he needed ten-grand just to set himself free

I told him I'd get on it and do what I could do
But I can't make anyone believe my story is true
Just tryin' to help Santa; I don't mean no harm
Now they're tryin' to put me in the funny farm

They impounded Santa's sleigh and his reindeer too
And they'll probably end up in the City Zoo
And there won't be any Santa next Christmas Eve
I can't raise his bail..., no one will believe

Repeat Chorus -

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

ELFIS Story part 8 - Sleigh Hazards

One of the most difficult parts of Sleigh Drivers Ed is learning how to handle the hazards encountered.

There are sky hazards, weather hazards, sick reindeer hazards… but the worst hazard is…well do you know anyone that over decorates?

They create terrible problems for Santa’s and the reindeer in negotiating smooth landings but not half the problem created for the poor suckers that do the decorating..like the guy in this song:

Plastic Santa

Plastic Santa
Lyrics Steven Stay, music B.R. Hanby

Up on the housetop I climbed because
My wife bought a plastic Santa Clause
It came with a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer
and she insisted they go up there

OH OH OH why did I go
OH OH OH why did I go
Up on the housetop so quick quick quick
With my wife's stupid Santa made of plastic

First came the problem with that hammer and nail
I hit my thumb, oh it hurt like H@#$... well
The wind then came up and it really blew
Off the roof me and Santa flew


Next thing I knew, it happened so fast
They had me in a custom made whole body cast
My wife said she was sorry, she seemed sincere
She said: Don't worry about plastic Santa... till next year


Monday, December 8, 2008

ELFIS Story part 9 - The Pit Stop

The completion of Sleigh Drivers Ed is marked by the techies long anticipated qualifying cross country solo night flight. Stu loaded up the sleigh with lots of snacks and reading material and set off to prove his skills . As he approached the half way point at South East North Pole county he was in desperate needed of a pit stop. He descended and here’s what happened:

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

LYRICS by BOB RIVERS COMEDY CORP, music by unknown.

The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
  so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized
  I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found
  the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
  What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
  it must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in there,
  I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace
  and sacked me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day.
  What could I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"
  and I would like to find,
The crummy little creep who had
  the nerve to switch the sign.
Cause I've got two black eyes
  and one high-heel up my behind.
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy.
  Boy, oh boy.
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

ELFIS Story part 10 - The NAN Channels

Having completed all the prerequisites, that include courses such as Reindeer Husbandry, Package and Load Management, Tundra Survival Training, High Altitude Conditioning and Sleigh Drivers Ed, the Santa Techies can apply for the graduate program.

This most difficult to get accepted and enrolled in program is listed as course #1984. Less than 10% of the beginning techies make it this far and get accepted.
This graduate program is where the techies get access to start viewing the NAN Channels, where they learn to keep list and of course check them twice. NAN stands for Naughty & Nice… The Naughty and Nice channels, hence the nickname - Big Brother Santa, course #1984

This song explains the process, selected from an old familiar Marvin Gaye tune, that was also covered by Credence Clearwater Revival and the California Raisins.

Santa's Party Line

Santa's Party Line
Lyrics Steven Stay, J. Fred Coots & Henry Gillespie. Music Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong

Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew
Who's been bad and who's been good
How I see you when you're asleep
and how I know when you're awake

Took you by surprise I bet
How I knew all those things I said

Ooh, I heard it through the grapevine
You come in loud and clear on Santa's party line
Ooh, I heard it through the grapevine
I'm coming to town you're running out of time Honey Honey

You better watch out you better not cry
You better not pout, I'm going to tell you why
I'm making a list and I'm checking it twice
Gonna find out who's been naughty and nice

You should have told me yourself
Instead I heard it secondhand from an elf

Ooh, I heard it through the grapevine
You come in loud and clear on Santa's party line
Ooh, I heard it through the grapevine
I'm coming to town you're running out of time Honey Honey

I'm coming to town you're running out of time Honey Honey

Saturday, December 6, 2008

ELFIS Story part 11 - Fattening up Santa

Have you ever wondered why Santa’s are fat? Well, 1984 has an impact on the techies that has become an expected trait of a great Santa.

Imagine this, a lazy boy recliner, a remote, big screen plasma TVs’ with picture in picture capabilities, Dolby surround sound, all the munchies you heart desire and access to the most intimate details of everyone in the worlds life.

As you can imagine, under the circumstance it would be easy to develop an “addictive and compulsive” behavior. If it wasn’t for the local chapter of NANA (Naughty and Nice Anonymous), you wouldn’t see any toys delivered.

There isn’t a song about any of this yet but just for fun here’s a holiday twist on another song from Stu’s CCR collection.

Ho Ho Ho

Ho Ho Ho
Lyrics Steven Stay & Clement Clarke Moore. Music John Fogerty

Just got through assembling toys
The house got quiet oh boy
Got to sit down take a rest on the porch
Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singing
Ho Ho Ho looking out my front door

Then to my wondering eyes appear
A fat man a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
Look at all those happy deer as he calls them each by name
Up to the housetop the reindeer flew
With a sleigh full of toys and Saint Nicholas too
Ho Ho Ho looking out my front door

Then down the chimney he came with a bound
He was decked out in fur and his belly was round round round round
Wond'rous apparition twas the night before Christmas
Ho Ho Ho looking out my front door

He spoke not a word but went straight to work
Filled the stockings then with a jerk
Layed his finger on the side of his nose
He gave a nod and he was out of sight
Saying Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
Ho Ho Ho looking out my front door

Friday, December 5, 2008

ELFIS Story part 12 - More from the NAN Channels

Techies are required to turn in their Naughty and Nice list daily. However, Stu couldn't resist keeping an extra record, documenting some of the juicy things he witnessed.

More on that to follow....

One of the traits observed on the NAN channels that most everyone had in common is reflected in this realistic rendition of this holiday song

It's the Most Frustrating Time of the Year

LYRICS- Most Frustrating Time of the Year
Lyrics Steven Stay, music Eddie Pola and George Wyle.

It's the most frustrating time of the year
With the kids home and yelling
I just feel like telling them get out of hear
It's the most frustrating time of the year

It's the cost costliest season of all
What the heck it's just money
I wont feel to crummy till the bill collectors call
It's the cost costliest season of all

There are party's each night and the feel of frostbite
From caroling out in the snow
The kids are to blame for me going insane
Those special Christmas's where did they go?

It's the most frustrating time of the year
With school out of session I go into depression
Those little loved ones so near
It's the most frustrating time of the year

Thursday, December 4, 2008

ELFIS Story part 13 - Let it Go

With all the empirical evidence the Techies accumulate about human behavior through the NAN Channels, they should get degrees as psychologist. It becomes very apparent to them that much of the stress and frustration of the season could be alleviated if people would just “get ‘er done” early.

Here’s a song, that the majority of holiday participants can relate to:

Let It Go

LYRICS - Let It Go
Lyrics Steven Stay, music Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne

Well my windows they sure need cleaning
Just like my walls and floor and ceiling
But Christmas ain't for a month or so
What the heck - I'll let it go, let it go, let it go

My check book balance looks so inviting
The things I want are so exciting
But paying my bills would make the balance too low
Oh - I'll let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go

Christmas is over two weeks away
No need to worry or stress out a bit
I can do it another day
By then I'm sure I'll feel like it

Tomorrows the day for which we've been waiting
A point which thank you needs no belateing
So much to do where did all the time go
Oh  - Where'd it go, Where'd it go, Where'd it go

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

ELFIS Story part 14 - Diversity Education

It’s OK to get creative at Christmas, but People!!!!

Make sure the kids are all snuggled, tucked and asleep in their beds before you start trying the stuff in these next couple of songs.

You can wisely avoid the confusion created in this next song, by not relying on the school system to teach your kiddies about the “birds and the bee’s” and what a couple or family can consist of these days.

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

LYRICS - I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
Lyrics Kip Addotta, music T. Connor.

I saw daddy kissing, Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
He didn't see me creep, down the stairs to have a peep
He thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw daddy tickle, Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
There must be some mistake, was I really awake?
I rub my eyes and moved in close up, better look to take
Then I..then I...hey..hey!

Then I saw daddy hugging, Santa Claus
He took his hand and pulled him to the couch,
It must have been just fine, Santa didn't seem to mind
Then daddy moved across the room to pour them both some wine,

Then I saw daddy fondle, Santa Claus
And on his beard he nibbled now and then,
I crawled across the floor, I hid behind the door,
I left it open just a crack so I could watch some more
then I..then I..then I...then I..

Then I saw daddy undress, Santa Claus
They quickly threw their clothes on a big chair
Well much to my surprise, I couldn't believe my eyes
It wasn't Santa after all but mommy in disguise

Oh I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus,
Underneath the mistletoe last night
Oh what a laugh it would it been,
If I had really seen daddy kissing Santa Claus that night

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

ELFIS Story part 15 - Great Ideas

Many people enjoy Spicing Up more than the Wassail and Eggnog.

One guy that Stu observed on the NAN Channels had (what on the surface seemed like) a great idea. He and his wife decided that when they made love, they would take the phone off the hook. Worked great… except when he would call home and get a busy signal.

Other couples, enjoy documenting themselves playing dress up… just please… keep the video under lock and key.

Let's Put the X Back in Christmas

LYRICS - Let's Put the X Back in Christmas
by Pinkard and Bowden

This is the time for forgivin'
and the time for starting anew
It's high time for trying some things, dear
that we've always wanted to do

So, put on your red laced nightie
And pull your green stockings on
I'll tie you up with silver tinsel
while we sing some Christmas songs

The video camera is loaded
Pointed and ready to go
So lets put the X back in Christmas, darlin'
Under the mistletoe

Please wear your jingle bell earrings
and your red plastic high heels
We've got the holiday spirit
Let's see just how good we can feel

Me in my Santa outfit
in the soft glow of Christmas tree lights
I'm ready to unwrap my present
and it might just take me all night

The video camera is loaded
Pointed and ready to go
So lets put the X back in Christmas, darlin'
Under the mistletoe

Everybody sing!
Let's put the X back in Christmas, darlin'
Under the mistletoe

Monday, December 1, 2008

ELFIS Story part 16 – Relatively Speaking

If Santa Techies received a nickel for every time they watched this scenario play out, they would retire before the holidays even started.

1- You receive the great news. Your aunt and uncle are on their way to visit. Having retired a few years back, they now have a new career. They drive across the country imposing on relatives and they are going to be in your neck of the woods for the Holidays.

2- Their yappy, stinky, repository for all the affection they don’t show each other dog is still alive and coming with them.

3- From the short phone conversation you had, it is clear that the dementia they both have has expanded. Yes, you will be hearing the same stories and opinions over and over and over, especially the ones about their kids, religion, politics, housekeeping. Remember to secure all the household items they forget aren’t theirs.

Here’s a short song to serve as a reminder:

Relatives are Coming to Town

LYRICS - Relatives are Coming to Town
Lyrics Roger’s Yuletide Review, music J. Fred Coots, Henry Gillespie

Oh you better clean up, you better take care
You better shine up your silverware
Relatives are coming to town

Oh you better sweep up, don't forget to dust
Passing the white glove test is a must
Relatives are coming to town

They talk about religion and how you used your vote
They grime up all the Santa towels
and steal the gravy boat

Oh you better clean up, you better take care
You better shine up your silverware
Relatives are coming to town